When I Grow Up...
… I Wanna Be a Micromanager!!!
Let me see if I have what it takes to be a good micromanager:
As a person:
-I have little to no confidence in myself and my abilities. I’m miserable with who I am and the life I lead, and don’t you dare tell me I need to “improve” myself.
-I am an introvert. I’m not the life of the party, people call me a wallflower.
-Management is a people skill - it’s not the job for someone who doesn’t enjoy people. Actually, I think I should be placed in charge of others so I can belittle them to make myself feel better about my shortcomings.
-I am not always honest or straight forward. It depends on what my manager tells me to say. I don’t care if others trust me or not.
-I am an EXcluder not an INcluder. No one needs to know what I’m up to unless I say so. If I need anyone to do a project, I will withhold crucial information needed to complete the job. Let the suckers figure it out for themselves. They’re here for my amusement anyway, no?
-Managers must lead. I tell my staff exactly where to go and I check up on them every ten minutes. Status reports are not unfamiliar words in my vocabulary. Bathroom breaks must be included on these.
On the job:
-I am consistently rigid; my staff can depend on me changing my mind. I make all decisions, don’t even bother telling me what you think, I don’t care.
-I am a little bit crazy, what some people might call compulsive. If I try new things at all and they fail, I blame the error on anyone that I can… even if they’ve left the company over a year ago.
-I make plans and schedules and work toward them. As for my staff, I will raise obstacles at every turn so that they cannot achieve their goals. Then, come review time I’ll badger them for it and justify why they shouldn’t receive a raise.
-I view information as a tool to be used as I see fit. I will decide if I need to let my “team” in on anything.
Wow… I think the only challenge left for myself in a management role is to see how many bright, ambitious and talented individuals I can derail and trod on. Luckily for me, there are many companies that will not only hire me, but promote me into roles where I will manage teams of people.
They don’t know how lucky they are.